I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize