i don't like sucking hair
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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