peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
