Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
