I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
