I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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