On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
