So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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