Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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