Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
