Christians are straight up FREAKS
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
