I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize