Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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