he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Acid is not a monday night drug
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
