This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
