found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
