Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
