Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It was confusing and full of hummus
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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