he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
