So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
