She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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