honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Randomize
