Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have aggressive nipples.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
