I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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