shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
