this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
