remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I believe in your delicious
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
