I smell stomach acid.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize