Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
barbara walters just said penis...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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