even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
