I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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