it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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