I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
