Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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