found the other keg... it's in the tree
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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