how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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