we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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