my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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