just come out here and I will go home with you...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She told me I should be a condom model.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
