i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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