Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
