If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
