She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
