she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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