My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
