a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
