dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
