I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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