These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Randomize