I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize