What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
