So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
