I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize