I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
