apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
