I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize