this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
