Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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