Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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