Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
