I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
