i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
