you guys were way drunker than both of me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
