He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
